Some children seem to bounce back from setbacks with ease, while others crumble at the first sign of difficulty. It is tempting to put this down to temperament, as though resilience were something you either have or you do not. The truth is more encouraging. Resilience is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned, practised and strengthened over time.
Here are six practical ways to help children build it.
1. Let them struggle a little
The instinct to step in and fix things is strong, but constant rescuing sends a quiet message: you cannot cope on your own. Allowing a child to sit with a tricky maths problem or sort out a small disagreement themselves gives them room to grow.
Takeaway: A manageable struggle today builds confidence for a bigger one tomorrow.
2. Name the feeling, not just the fix
When a child is upset, adults often jump straight to solutions. Pausing to acknowledge the emotion first (“that sounds really frustrating”) helps children understand what they are feeling. Emotional literacy is the foundation of resilience.
Takeaway: Children who can name their feelings are better placed to manage them.
3. Praise effort over outcome
A child praised only for top marks learns to fear failure. One praised for persistence learns that trying counts. Small shifts in language, from “you’re so clever” to “you worked hard on that”, change how children view challenges.
Takeaway: Effort is repeatable. Talent feels fixed.
4. Model it yourself
Children watch how the adults around them handle stress far more closely than they listen to advice. Talking openly about a difficult day, and how you got through it, teaches more than any lecture.
Takeaway: Resilience is caught as much as it is taught.
5. Build a supportive environment
No child develops resilience in isolation. A setting that combines high expectations with genuine care gives children the security to take risks and recover from mistakes. Schools that get this balance right often see it reflected in pupils’ willingness to try new things. This is something schools that nurture confidence alongside strong academic values understand well.
Takeaway: Support and challenge work best side by side.
6. Reframe setbacks as information
A poor test result is not a verdict, it is feedback. Helping children ask “what can I do differently?” rather than “why am I no good?” turns disappointment into a starting point. Over time, this becomes a habit of mind.
Takeaway: Every setback carries something useful, if you look for it.
The long view
Resilience is not built in a single conversation or a single term. It grows through hundreds of small moments where a child is trusted to cope, gently supported when they cannot, and encouraged to try again. Institutions such as The Royal Masonic School for Girls place this kind of character development at the heart of what they do, alongside academic achievement, because they recognise that confident, adaptable young people go on to thrive well beyond the classroom.
The good news for any parent worrying that their child was simply born less hardy than others is this: no one is. Resilience is not inherited. It is taught, one steady step at a time.
You can find out more at https://rmsforgirls.com.
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*This article was contributed by the team at The Royal Masonic School for Girls, an independent day and boarding school for girls in Rickmansworth, Hertfordshire. Known for combining strong academic standards with a genuine focus on wellbeing and character, the school supports pupils from early years through to sixth form as they grow into confident, capable young women.*
