I have been meaning to write this post for a while….as for many months I have been feeling so much more clearer and positive in my crazy little head. My mum’s one-year-death anniversary…..can I even say that, that sounds weird ?!?..has just passed a few weeks ago, and for such a long time I have been struggling to live and move on. As always, I don’t want this to be a ‘woe-is-me’ post, it’s really not…it’s a purely positive one.
When I lost my mum I knew it was coming and happening so I had time to ‘prepare’, as such, but the aftermath left me in a really sad place and I struggled to get back to myself, get back to work, socialise as I used to and just think in a positive way; it really messed me up emotionally. I have been though loss before as I have also lost my Dad to terminal cancer, but me and my mum were truly best friends so it hit me SO much harder. Either way I am only writing this now because I am feeling like I am now OK.
I felt quite ashamed when I was still upset 6 months on and still not functioning. I have friends who have lost loved ones to heart-attacks/ accidents/ traumatic circumstances where they haven’t even had a chance to say goodbye yet I felt like I was struggling more inside. Perhaps most people are good at hiding their hurt and pain like I was doing?
I think like any kind of pain, loss is something that simply takes times to overcome and get on top of. If you break it down, it’s a similar grieving process to having your heart broken ; it’s shock, disbelief, denial, anger, hurt, feelings of desperation, questioning, and just getting your daily routine back on track without that person being there. (except with loved ones you don’t want to torch their house down and make a dartboard out of their face)
No matter what happens, how horrid your circumstance is…..at some point life will come somewhat back on track and IT WILL BE OK. It may not be as ok as it once was, but it will be ok. People are always in so much more physical and mental trauma more than yourself and that’s how I always knock myself back to reality. Just switch on the news.
Things that may help.
1.) Remind yourself it will be ok, at some point
2.) Seek counselling /Go to your doctor. It can help, and I know many people it has helped. Wasn’t for me but can be for some.
3.) Friends. Probably the most vital thing for me over this past year has been my husband and my friends. You neglect them , you don’t want to see them but (hopefully) they are always there. I have some really amazing friends and anytime I have needed them when I have traveled back home, they have dropped everything for me.
4.) Family. For most people this may be my ‘Friends’ bit but I do not have much family! I have 2 brothers who I love dearly but we don’t depend on each other emotionally. I think for most though the family surrounding you will be your main support network.
5.) Self-control. You are in charge of how you deal with things and it boils down to just you. I remember so many occasions I would be feeling so sorry for myself and thinking of what my mum would say….she would most likely say ‘Pull yourself together for fuck’s sake….and you’ve put on weight’ so it not only pulled ‘me’ together but gave me a little chuckle at the same time.
6.) Invest your time in things. Things being *non-work things*….for me, I have this blog which takes up (way too fucking much of) my time, I also now have my beautiful kitty Herman who I have been putting so much time and love into…I have also been painting again and just generally being creative outside of work so it just keeps my mind full of active things and keeps me going.
7.) Don’t feel guilty. Just because you are happy doesn’t mean you aren’t still grieving and thinking of that person daily. I sometimes felt guilt when I was feeling good but this is just moronic…it’s ok to be ok!